I'm a child of a life on Mars

Happy New Years, ya'll. My school life has been resurrected. Sigh...Those 9 weeks have passed within a blink of an eye. Shame.. Well.. that person ain't in school anymore, which just makes me... I don't know. I'm having alot of mixed feelings..and they often turn to delusions. Psychopath in the making? It's just.. what is it about you that makes me still care?

Well, since you won't be hearing this.. maybe you might see this ;

                 We both know that you and I have only known each other in a short amount of time. But, somehow, I get this feeling that.. I know you. It's weird because I,myself can't comprehend it. Anyway, you can fabricate all you want but deep down inside that frozen heart of yours, you and I both know that the reason you talked to me was because you knew, out of all, that I was the only one who really understood you. You can try to hide it but the truth will never be perished. It's best to stay friends even if it kills me a little. I only want you to be happy, to find someone who'll accept that dark, demented mind of yours.. I admit, I loved you but this love is starcrossed. And if you knew me well enough, you'd know the more forbidden things are, the more I want to break the chains. You're a great individual, an artist of many things of your own perceptions.. And with that being said, never change that unique quality that you possess, because that's what captivated me in the first place. For now,  farewell.

                                                                                                                            Your psychotic lover.

Okay, humanity aside. School started. I sat alone in the back of the class. It's a good spot. Away from any source of sunlight because it's shielded by the solid, brick walls. I liked it, being alone, in my own world. But then I had to sit with someone. Ugh, why can't the teacher let me sit alone?! WHAT'S THE HARM?! Sigh. Some of my homies aren't here. Guess I'll just make some new ones. I'm fighting the urge to jump off the 9th storey of the building. It's just.. tough. But I'm gonna get through it.. I have to. There's no turning back. I wish I could though, travel back in time, all the way back to that very day just to correct some things. But, you know.. can't. Never could. Everything happened for a reason. I'm just finding what that reason is.

Two people actually called me " dark. " I mean, I know I am but I certainly did not expect people to actually say it to me. Am I that much of a sociopath? But it's fine. It's fun being psycho :)

Within A Winner

So I've collected my results. Went to school at 10 because they said that the results will be distributed after 10. Went there and they've announced that it would be given at 11.30. I was annoyed. Sure, it was after 10 but I did not expect it to go that far. Anyway,I just caught up with my friends whom I have not seen in 2 months and yeah, we just hung out. As the minutes went by like a gust of wind, my heart raced faster, beat louder and my tummy felt like it was infested with flesh-eating zombie butterflies. Of course, all of those completed with a deluded mind. Anyway, I was talking to my homies until, I saw that person. Trouble beeped. I just shrugged it off and proceeded to take my results. My heart was gonna pound right out of my chest.. I got 5As and 2Bs. I could've done better. I was grateful anyway. I ditched the hall. As I was replying the texts I've been receiving for a job well done, I found myself at the school's office. Then I heard it. My name. That voice. Those eyes. I just kept my cool although I was having a huge adrenaline rush, like I was gonna drive myself off a cliff. Die. I just kept calm and talked casually. Then as the conversation slowly died, I felt a tense presence of overwhelming awkwardness and attraction pondering around the atmosphere. I knew I had to get out of there because I didn't want to fall back into that place. The place of a one-man game. I admit, I do miss that person but at the same time, it was also good that I had not seen or be in contact with it. Now, I'm just trying to shrug these feelings off and trying to tell myself that I am content with loneliness and that I can make it through all by myself, without love or anyone. The searing heat of the sunlight frying my skin, making me get the most sunlight I've ever gotten in 2 months. I just casually walked off, leaving that person there. I thought to myself, that bitch left me hanging most of the time. I got my first level of vengeance. It was about vengeance - tinged with love.

I reached home. Got more congratulating for the day. Hours flew by and it was bedtime. As I lay in my bed, I took out the school's magazine that I've received. I flipped through the pages and also came across some pictures of that specific person. Memories came flooding back and then it hit me. I had succeeded academically. I've got all excellent for my projects. I got this damn certificate. I got to see my friends. I am all grateful and thankful for that, but I still feel this sense of emptiness mixed with loneliness. The book drops to the ground and the lights go out...

Darkness beaming

I'M BACK. Where have I been? Home. Sleeping. Chilling on my own. Breathing the air of sanity. Diving into the incandescence of life where I live the remnants of my freedom. Where have I been spiritually? Hell and heaven. I've decided to get over that certain someone. I mean... I think there's another person. Those two used to have a history together.... and they still do.. So I'm backing off... So that the one I've been loving deeply can finally be happy again as it has been tough for that someone. But if that infidel ever breaks that person's heart, I'll snap its head like a twig, and you know I will. I have also stopped caring... much. I still do care because I'm human, which is just not right.. I loved so much and each time I do, I get hurt... to the max. I may seem like an emotionless brick wall, but I do have feelings. I'm always... somehow.. the one who's always loving more. It tears me that no one will ever have mutual feelings as I do... for them. Anyway, I don't want to get in all that.. it's just.. not cool.

Well, the 19th is coming soon. It's kinda like the apocalypse of my own world. My PMR results will be out and I'm just nervous at the same time. I'm hoping for the best. Some of my friends are leaving. For instance, the phenomenal @viwern and @hazel. I don't really deal with my emotions and I basically just shove 'em in an imaginary box and just hide it in the back of my head. It's just.. I don't like change. I've always envisioned my whole entire groupie to be together till Form 5. It just sucks. But I won't really show my emotions. It's important to always have a tough exterior, because that way, you won't get taken advantage of. Can't believe I'm actually saying this but, I think I'm gonna miss them. Friends for life, biatches!

Been shopping lately. Purchasing some rad stuff that I think, in my opinion and taste, is me. I did buy more, by the way. Just didn't take any photos of it. Also got a black watch( Black is my obsession.), one ebony leopard print Tee and white airline printed Tee. Gonna get ready for school soon, which is in like two weeks. Time sure flies when you're doing nothing. Ciao.

Cotton On shoes in Electric Blue.

My soul needed this.

Awesome, enthralling books for the wicked minded.

FREE

So, my PMR is done. It was okay actually. Not that hard.. or easy. Just hope I'd score 7As. Want those two months of studying to pay off. Well, it was the last day of school.. Said goodbye to my friends.. some of them were staying and some were transferring.. A shout out to my homie, Viwern.. she's been an incredible friend of mine for the past 3 years. Though it were bumps in the long run but we still made it closer than ever. WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING, GOOD LUCK AND YOU WILL BE MISSED, BIATCH X. And as for that person who already transferred (yraM), well, you were never my friend. I used to think we were but never. You kinda brought it upon yourself so whatever.. As for that person, yeah I'm really gonna miss that someone.. Really.. I just hope that that person would make it alive despite its tendencies of committing suicide. " If you need to talk, find me, because I won't ever give up on you, even if you gave up on yourself.. "Loewe you X.



As for me, I'm bored out of my mind... Just living one day at a time.. It's been tough, no doubt but yeah.. It's Halloween and I did some face painting and a bit of light adjustments.. It's not that great but I just did for the heck of it..

I'll do it.. in exchange for your soul....

X

So.. that's about it.. Will keep ya'll posted. In the meantime, Imma get started on The X Factor US and The Vampire Diaries. Carpe Diem! (lamely cool)

lost forever

" and we scream and scream and scream until the remnants of our crippled hearts turn into ashes but still, no one acknowledges. They hear us, but they don't listen.. It's tough and discombobulating when we're left out in the wilderness of our own solitude.. we follow tracks and paths to finding true happiness, not knowing that there could be someone to help you out as you go along the way. we all try to wander deep into that forest.. we're all lonesome vagabonds seeking foundation of truth and where it hides when actually, the truth lies within you.. people can take everything from you but they can never take away your truth. we're eager to accept what's nice and to look forward to seeing what we want to see when we know the reality of our souls.. the ugly side... the dark pigments in our spotless image. we spend years trying to making fallacies of what was already made and trying to accept what God has made. We find raw human emotions as we get tired of pretending. We feel a humongous wave breaking that solid wall made of emotionless bricks. And that's when we become raw humans.. To let our emotions marionette us throughout times of dawn and dusk. Before we know it, we find ourselves in the midst of being in the revelation of love. Some people love us for who we are - when in fact, we can't love ourselves. We take oaths just to let people.. love into our lives.. To drown ourselves in sensory pleasure.. To explore.. to love and to experience the vindication of our own rights to live.. Androids used to be humans too, until they stopped caring. To feel something.. to feel again after a long time, in another dimension, we feel as if our souls have been strapped to the Earth again.. And until then, I'm still in the midst of exploring and finding a another fragment of my heart from somewhere in this large,venturesome universe of apprehension and deluded consciences. "

Trapped In Mars

If you don't see me blogging, find me in tumblr - virtually.
http://my-deluded-conscience.tumblr.com/ Check it out to get an insight of my deluded mind.

Xs.

Dissociation

You're right there in front of me. I didn't know what to do. My heart was beating fast, my stomach dropped, my mind was racing. I could feel the adrenaline in my veins, all rushing into my anorexic heart. Sometimes I forget the source of which these feelings came from. It only happened when my eyes catch a glimpse of you or my thoughts being invaded by you. It was wild, intense, scary and exciting. An internal holocaust inside of me. Mad chaos and extreme desire. But all of that is hidden under a poker face. The world seemed to be blocked out and my eyes just gazed right through you. I'm in a great relationship with my solitude but when lonely interferes, rebellion takes over. Lost in the woods and you're hiding in a veil of darkness. Only a vixen could save me from myself. Secrets haunt me and that's why I'm awake. I dig up the dead to find for answers. All the answers were volatile. Embellishments of fear, curiosity and excitement made its mark. Hence, I forgot the source of which I came from. Father, forgive me. These dreams seemed to have sucked me into this big void of discombobulating chaos. Searching for that person and seeking for some answers. And as I waited, it found me before I did.. and the carousel spins even faster..

Greetings From Mars

From the outside looking in.

Different flavors of the same flavor